Silver Linings: My Honest Experience with Separation Later in Life

I want to take this moment to open myself up and be very real with you. This will be the most personal blog I have ever shared, so I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little nervous. But my mentality has always maintained that I want to share my experiences with you to normalize the ebbs and flows of life and so that others may benefit from my vulnerability. 

To get right to the heart of it, no pun intended, my partner of 15 years and I have decided to part ways. It has been a mutual decision, but that certainly does not make it any easier. Heartbreak is brutal at any point in life, but in my 60s, separating from a significant other feels almost absurd in some ways. In other ways, it feels like the only true option for both of us to live the rest of our lives in the authenticity we both deserve. 

As I look back on the last several years, it dawns on me that this answer has been present in my gut, both metaphorically and physically, for a long time. Some of you may remember I was struggling with intense insomnia about four years ago. I tried everything from shifting my diet to altering my supplement regimen, practicing different types of stress-management techniques, and experimenting with various forms of exercise. Hell, I even heavily explored plant medicine journeys. But the one thing I did not dare consider was that my sleep issues may be less related to my health and more connected to the person I was sleeping next to.

That is not to say that the cause of this separation lies solely on my partner’s shoulders. I want to make that clear. I take responsibility for failing our relationship, too. I constantly put many things before my relationship – myself, my career, and my girls, to name a few. Those were the factors I had the most control over, so I felt confident about making them my priority. In retrospect, I should have given more energy to my partner and our relationship. I am also stubborn – I want what I want when I want it – which obviously becomes a barrier in a partnership.

Ultimately, as contradicting emotions swirl in my head and heart, one of the most profound is how grateful I am for this man to have come into my life at such a pivotal time. He was there for me through so many incredible and difficult phases in life. I feel full of gratitude that I got to have many wonderful years with him. He has a massive heart and fiercely protects the people he cares about, and it was so special being on the receiving end of that for so long. Even though this relationship has come to an end and it has been extraordinarily hard, I do not regret it for a second. I want people to know that even though it is scary to put your trust and heart into relationships, it is so worth it at the end of the day, even if the worst happens and it does not last forever. I learned so much from him and about myself throughout our journey together.

One of my girlfriends recently told me how brave I am to go through this separation. I do not feel brave all of the time. I have never really been “alone” in my entire life, and the idea often terrifies me. But it also excites me. Now that I am getting more comfortable with this major life transition, I would say I am about 10% fearful and 90% excited (80%/ 20% depending on the day). I am also  open to and hopeful about the idea of experiencing love again at some point. Since I am putting it all out there, I will share what I am manifesting for my next loving partnership. I want to be with someone who can’t imagine their life without me in it. I desire someone who gives back, is open to adventure, and is excited for this next beautiful phase of life, just like I am.

My goal in being so transparent here is to highlight the fact that even though parting ways with someone you love deeply may be excruciating, it can also be the one thing you need to begin the next chapter of your life in the way you want to live it. So many people decide to remain in relationships that no longer serve them, and I completely understand that. But I am here to tell you there are other options – no matter your age. In the beginning, turning 64 was a struggle for me. As time has gone on, it’s becoming less so. In our culture women at 64 are considered “old.” But I do not feel old at all. I feel exhilarated at the idea of what’s to come. In my opinion, staying with someone purely out of loyalty or fear of the unknown is no way to live your one precious life. The possibilities are infinite for all of us. I believe the universe has my back – someone is looking out for me, and they always have been, and they’re looking out for you, too. If you truly know this in your heart, it makes it easier to make bold moves.